You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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