i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
