I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
