An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
