i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
