what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
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We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
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yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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