I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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