i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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