i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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