can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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