apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
