I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
