dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
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So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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