respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
