I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I can't turn off my feet"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
