were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You smell like stripper and shame
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
we should paint friendship bongs
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
