My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
