Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he shaved USA in his pubs
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
