i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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