Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
