Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
