I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
