bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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