I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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