I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Mom said you looked used
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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