If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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