the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
