it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
