I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
