Im at strip club and am horny
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
