Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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