I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
