I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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