you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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