so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
