well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Randomize
