I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Randomize
