Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
