apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
My brain says no but my pants say off.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
