My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
