Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
