i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
