It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
only you would photoshop your dick
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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