I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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