I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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