I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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