Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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