Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
they're like a gay fantastic four
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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