my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
