mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
