I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
