That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
