I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
